I'd rather be a tree, as long as no one tried to cut me down.

Some nights I lie awake, (some days, too)

and words line up in my head of their own accord, a voice dictating never-to-be-spoken speeches that revolve repeat reflect resolve.
Constant thought.
The night before one of my exams I lay in the dark for hours, listening to my head playing a song on repeat, teeth chomping along. I tried to stop but
I could oooooooo not.

In these husky hours I experience pure contemplation, raw thoughts. I imagine myself in future conversations, create outcomes to situations that are yet to reach their climax, retreat to moments where I could have acted differently (or at least acted full stop), moved one more centimeter, and things would be different
maybe
I tread city streets and instinctively, I watch study judge the people who pass me. Here my inner voice, intimidated by beauty and character and numbers, intercepts and releases a barrage of questions: who are you where are you going how did you get here what are you thinking who do you love who do you think about what do you really look like why do you wear so much makeup (makeup is weird its kind of like face paint, a face you put on that is something closer to what you’d like people to see when they look at you but it’s a lie and don’t you know everyone can tell that your skin isn’t usually a flat consistent orangey brown) when did you first kiss someone why are you looking at me? I am always surprised at my own surprise when the people stare back; eye contact makes me blush and turn away and wonder if they are thinking about me and what language they are thinking in.

Population more than most things depresses me. After silently questioning people I think: You are looking for Love, a Job to do, Money to buy Possessions, Things to make you Happy. How can it be possible for so many humans to exist and still find fulfillment when, fundamentally, we all search for the same things?

I wonder what it would be like to be a tree- all you’d ever want is water and nutrients and light and a nice person to climb up into your arms so you could hold them and be held back. I think that might be all I want anyway.

Right now
I am
waiting to be found
(a tree).